Just a Moment..

I often am in shock by how strong I have been after losing my parents. I don’t think little Taylor would think that I could be this strong.

I’m coping the only way I know how. I simply try to dissuade myself from any thoughts about my parents, like they never existed. I understand how that must sound, but would I rather drown in thoughts of my missed loved ones?
I’m almost always successful.
Until I come across a photo of them,
or a song we’d enjoy together,
or I need a word of advice,
or I want a hug filled with unconditional love,
then their memories flood my thoughts.

I cannot explain how alone I feel. In a room full of people that I know love and support me, I feel alone. There is a hole that can never be filled.

As I was writing this on my phone, my notes app spontaneously closed. I chuckled, knowing it was probably one of them making their presence known after the above paragraphs.

I am so grateful that I have amassed a group of people around me that allow me to show up in the way that I can show up. Y’all know who y’all are; I don’t want to have a Whitney moment. I don’t respond to texts for a couple days (or weeks), we don’t see each other for a month or two, know I still love you, always love you, and it’s not you, it’s me, really.

It’s also important to build a community that can vouch for you when you don’t know how to vouch for yourself.
I recently called a few people to put in a word for me for a job opportunity. I doubt myself sometimes, but if I wasn’t a good person to be around and didn’t take pride in my work, how could I have so many people to call on? Sometimes it takes outside vision to disrupt the negative inside thoughts.

But I made the decision to consciously silence the negative thoughts and intentionally replace them with positivity.

No, I am not nervous about my abilities, I am MORE than capable of accomplishing anything I want.
No, I don’t have to be who I think I should be, I can be myself. Being myself got me this far.
No, I am not alone, I have a community of people around me that support me and want me to succeed.
No, I will not let anxiety cripple me, I will grow and learn through adversity. I’ll be a more mature person on the other side of the unknown.

I was given some going away gifts, and the love I received was surreal. To have people tell you how you’ve impacted their lives is really amazing. The thought of my absence causing tears in others was moving.

It’s my goal to leave things better than I found them.

I want to inspire joy in others.

I appreciate people that respect my boundaries. I’m actually doing quite well setting boundaries and standing on big bidness.

I’m proud of me. I’m happy with how things are going. I chose to be happy.